27 Days of not ‘ Being Me’

I feel like a bad person.

and disappointed in myself.

So, I'll tell you where it all started. I met this boy and liked him for quite a few years. Kept liking him, despite us being in different relationships, in different moods, and in different phases of life always.

Every night at 10 when after having a super balanced day in which I managed to keep the balance, feeling a rush while looking for his text became my daily high.

With a not-so-satisfactory job, a loveless relationship, being the responsible elder one, the mom best friend, every time he texted I became that same college girl again who was stupidly and illogically in love. I loved being that girl even if it was for a few minutes. Never wanted an ‘I love you’ back, just wanted to know how his day went, even if it was the same as yesterday. If nothing else, his ‘good night’ was proof that at end of the day he thinks of me and that was enough. Enough for me to make him my first ‘good morning’ every day. And then the day went into the same gears again.

My life is on the verge is making a huge shift, I am making an attempt at running away from the life I just described. So I asked him, to move in with me for a few days and see, how things go. I know, I know. This sounds like fuckall idea, I thought it was brilliant for some closure reason back then.

During these 27 days with him, I was hardly ever there with him physically in the same room, but I became that college girl again.

  • I drank myself up to the head, got sick, and passed out all by myself alone.
  • I came home super late multiple number of times
  • I made late-night plans with friends
  • I spent money without checking my bank balance
  • Got a scolding at work
  • Drove fast, fell down.
  • Had my best friend over, and tried to understand her way of living without being a pesky mom for a moment
  • Emptied my house and broke my mundane relationship

Trust me, even if they sound super boring to you, this was I guess the most rebel I could get and I made some proud faces turn down, and I feel like a bad girl whose not obeyed the rule book for a while. But if this high is what being in love feels like, give me that. Give me the life where things keep falling down, I’ll be ready with my box of band-aids if I have those same two eyes to look into at the end of my day.

I do feel like a bad girl, but I also feel like a carefree woman. I always performed the responsibility part of my independence but never the fun part of it. I guess, we keep teaching our girls to be the best for someone and something else, rather than being the best for themselves. I loved the way I looked every day of this month. I got ready to stay at home, something I had never done before. I got dressed to go to the office even if I hated the work I am doing. I smiled and joked around with someone I can now call a friend. I got to know the sweetest boy and how good he was with my messed-up best friend. I now know how it feels to be kissed and have goosebumps when someone just enters the room and if it’s kiddish, give me kiddish.

I know this is not my usual way of living and the way I lived was not his way either. I made a new way I guess, where I could love a little more of me and a little more of him every day.

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Isha Rathore

Feeding daily on some thoughts, led by music, books and souls around.