Being My Own Fortune Cookie

Another day. Another night. Another morning.

Days change. Months change. And so do years.

Maybe even I changed. But my heart never did.

I kept forcing myself to do better. To be better. To be more beautiful. To be more considerate. To be more mature. To be more kind. So, that I could be more loved.

Then the world came into the picture. Oh, I am sorry the world was always in the picture.

As I grew older, my powers to give a damn also increased along with my height.

Now, I am 22 and I think my height has stopped growing. Somehow, those powers have still a lot of growth potential left in them.

As a kid, we all are super fragile. As if we are the fortune cookies of destiny. The only difference between us and the fortune cookies made of dough is that the message that’s going to come out of it, does not depend on the way it breaks.

I sang badly. My best friend danced better than me. Let’s not go on the way I looked. I was messier than my sister, emotionally and through attire. Was an average student through school. Drew good but probably worse than others.

I know, I know. You are going to say that someone is always going to be better than us. And I always knew that. But people around me, made me realize this again and again. And that was the problem. If I were a fortune cookie, I would break just a thousand times. But as a human, I only broke a few hundred times.

That’s when I met some people, People who became like my mom and dad, people who became friends first and partners later. People who were nice, not because they had something to extract from me and leave a void, but people who held hands because I was nice to them too. People who instead of degrading me for my failures and incompetencies but who stood by me even in my worst mistakes because they saw some potential.

I always kept finding and fixing what was wrong with me. As foolish as I was, I thought the people who broke me would be impressed by my repairs.

Even now I fix myself, and I will keep doing it. But now I am fixing those scars, for people who would still love me anyway, for who I was.

I hid, fell, tried to repair, danced, learned to better academically, learned to be cooler and whatnot. But the city where I grew up, the people I grew up in, somehow were always the darkest nights. When I thought something was wrong with me, they said I am damn right. When I said, something is wrong in the environment I and they were living in, they said I couldn’t be more wrong and it is all just in my head.

Some of these thorns I met in other towns too, but it took time to realize that a joker will never admit it’s a joker. He always thinks of himself as the protagonist of every story. And sometimes the gutter doesn’t deserve the lotus.

Yes, I may learn to sing well, maybe I'll learn to dance well, maybe I'll grow beautiful and I may find my brain working in some field at least.

But years later, when I revisit the same ugly memories, I want to come back with a story where I could sing loudly in tears and in happiness, where I could dance on every heartbeat syncing with the music. I want to live in a story where I am the artist and living an eventful life is my masterpiece. I don’t care about being the hero of my story. No, I don’t want to be.

Because maybe I won’t do that best. I can’t act for sure. Didn’t take that from the fakes around me. I may not learn the good talents from them, but definitely know how to not learn the low-life qualities.

I want to be the kind one. I want to be that one-life-changing scene in the movie, that turns the whole story upside down. That one hand of love, that changes the heart of the villain. That one slap of truth, that awakens the hero about reality. That one fairy godmother for someone who keeps falling in rags.

I want to be my bestfriend’s ‘best friend’ who never left. I may not be the wife behind a man, but I do want to be the woman who became his backbone during his making. I want to be the daughter who held the family when another one becomes the star. I want to be the colleague who stayed late to just give some company, so someone’s presentation rocks tomorrow.

And just not the big things. I want to be the kind smile in the elevator. I want to be one that passes the ball with a funny kick when it comes by. I want to be the one that photographs a couple’s most romantic moments for them while they kiss in front of the Eiffel tower. I want to be the kind one.

And as I write it, I have realized that I am already the kind one. I have always been that kind one. That’s what I do the best. Not hurt people. This is what I do best, I cherish, I nurture. I may not fight back for myself, but I can kick you in the face if you hurt the hero, the hero who is my sister, my best friend, my partner, or anyone who is humble at heart.

I am the fortune cookie that brings hope. I am the kind one that everyone forgets because moment of kindness is a concept, not a person. Those moments fade away with time and change of scenes, but those are the moments you watch the movie for. You don’t watch the movie for the hero, you watch the movie because you are looking for yourself in that hero, in the story. I may not be on the poster, but I am in the movie for sure. You just need to look for it. And from now on, you’ll only get me when you deserve me.

You become the hero because of that one moment. And you get the moment when, you prove the fire, the heart, and the virtue in you. You may be a fuckup, but so is everybody and the moment doesn’t discriminate in different kinds of fuckups. The moment discriminates in the intention of the fuckup. Just like heroes, there are different kinds of moments too, some become the making of the joker. Some become the making of batman.

From now on, I am my own fortune cookie, and I have broken bad and I have broken for good. Yes, nothing bad ever comes out of me. But nothing will change until I am in your hand. And I am not breaking for the gutter anymore. \

Still, I'll keep pushing myself to do better. To be better. To be more beautiful. To be more considerate. To be more mature. To be more kind. So, that I could be more loved by myself. Because fortune cookies look the same on the outside but they carry a different inside and I want to be the best inside.