Miracles Happen Everyday
As this has become my personal diary, which I want to exist in the world proudly even if I disappear in thin air someday, so here it goes…..
I saw a dream yesterday. A very vivid dream on a sleepless night. As I write about it, I can’t help but smile.
Imagine, a black envelope. That holds your deepest messages for someone. Now, imagine many of them. It’s like a dump of your thoughts, which you have not even confronted yourself before. Imagine you fall in love with someone and never confessed, Imagine you hate someone and still smiled at them, Imagine a half-drunken coffee but your lips are still stained with it. And all of it, all the years, all the stories wrapped in a few black envelopes.
Yesterday I delivered one of these envelopes to one of these unfinished chapters, and I feel so light.
Those eyes sparkled with past or fairy lights in my room, it will take years to figure that out. How do I compare a kiss on cheeks kept in one of the golden oysters of my heart with kissing those lips which were like the horizon of my sky? Never reachable.
The pinning of my pinafore against the wall, the tickles which were meant to make me high more than to make me laugh. He asked, if I am not ticklish, because I never laughed, less did he know, every stroke of every finger was getting me higher and higher on him. Two bottles of beer before were not even a competition.
Unsolved puzzles of years, didn’t stop us from being friends, didn’t stop me from bringing one of those black envelopes into the world.
I was confident of nothing happening, the boxers under my new dress were proof. Little did I know, that this could be the hardest goodbyes for me. It took me months to forget the touch of your hands on mine, I wonder how many years it will take to forget every inch of your body on mine.
I lied, it was no penalty for leaving years ago without a goodbye. My resistance was me avoiding and believing that we were never bound to happen, it was a way of being happy with you in my life and not expecting more. Not expecting a hug, not expecting you grabbing me by the waist, not expecting your pull, and not expecting my fall. Funny, how years ago I was glad about just a kiss and nothing more, and today, I feel empty somewhere within, even after feeling every cell, every breath, every drop of you, and every strand of your hair.
Your smile, which looked more real than ever, but I don't want to trust it. I do not want to trust any of it.
Because you are gone again, and I am left at the beginning of this game. I'll cross it again, not to hope for you but to forget you all over again.
I hope you realize it’s gonna be difficult this time. More difficult. I hope the morning comes soon in which I don't wake up with your kiss in my head and smile on my lips.
Ugghhhh, how do I even live knowing you exist on this same planet, after that dream?
That black envelope was meant to complete old chapters, not start new ones.
No hopes, no complexities, it's a vacuum of repetitive intimacies in my head.
Have a happy journey into a new dream.
