The Chronicles of Second Chances and the anxiety that comes with it.

Let me ask you a question.

How many times have you given yourself or certain situations second chances? And how many times have you regretted it?

No, it's not rhetorical, I genuinely want to know. From where I stand, I have seen a lot of people do it and then regret it highly. Maybe they didn’t change. Maybe you didn’t change. Maybe even after years, things have not changed and yet, we end up wondering what convinced us to put ourselves in a similar situation again, when they were clearly unhealthy for us in the first place.

And here’s what I have found out, it is never one person. It is always the baggage that comes with them.

So, I met a boy yesterday. Obviously, not for the first time and maybe, not for the last. And it’s been 28 hours, I am having a really hard time catching my breath. No, no its not rush of heartbeats. I know what that feels like and what I am feeling is nowhere close to that.

Ok, let me describe it you in detail. Its like something’s stuck in my windpipe and i can’t take it out, so every now and then, when my brain feels suffocated i have to remind myself to breath from my mouth. Last deep breaths and yet, nothing changes. What can we relate it to, ummm. Yea. a fish when brought out of water. It has a hard time breathing. It is not in it’s natural habitat. It is not with it’s fish friends. Lieing alone, vulnerable and exposed on a hot summer beach while some fisherman looks at it, smiles or laughs at the way it flitters, probably calls other fishermen to see how badly I flitter and being, the slowly dieing fish, I want to slap everyone in the face. Not because they are killing me but because they do not even realize what’s fun to them is death for me.

Let’s rewind a bit. I had this really, really hard time when I was doing my bachelor’s. Nothing seemed to fit me and I seemed to fit nowhere. And you know, how much try to fit in among the people around us, but sometimes they are just not right for you. It took me a lot of years and a lot of reconsideration to reconcile myself that i fit in somewhere. That somewhere was my profession. Writing has been the only thing that hasn’t made me feel like shit and accepted and loved me and made me realise that i was not a disaster. That it was okay to not be a party animal or to not be cool or to not seek validation. It has made me realize that even with the way i am people can and do like me for who i am instead of mocking me.

But yesterday, it all came rushing back. Slowly and steadily i drowned on that sandy beach and i am highly anxious ever since. He brought a wave of my past back. I knew him, I knew he’d never change, but I thought he now knows what kills me and would’nt throw my past in my face. Turns out fishermen can’t really emotionally understand the fishes.

Four months and I thought even at least for a closure, things would be different this time. One hour with him and i am convinced why did i leave in the first place. Because he was never there. He was in love with a world where i can’t even breathe properly and i sure know the concept of opposites attract. But fire never attracts water, we don’t have to attract things that kill us or make us feel like crap, like we are not enough. Not enough of anything.

I now know, why things end. Why digging old holes is avoided. Why things that end incompletely are never going to complete. And why second chances bring back a tragic piece of your life. Because a person is never only one person, he is change of worlds. He is the hot beach which looks shiny but will kill or he might be the tide that sweeps your death along with it in the ocean. But once, caught by a fisherman, I am gonna try and break free. Falling in love or even being on good terms will only kill you, because they’ll never care either way. You are not weak, you don’t owe second chances, if you are comfortable with who you are, nobody can make you feel the opposite and if they do, well that means they don’t fit.

It’s going to be tough finding my way back in the waters, but i have done it once and Ill do it twice and I ll make sure I don’t come exploring the beach ever again.