The First One
It’s all been about the guys recently. Hasn’t it?
Them coming, Them going. The butterflies and trauma they bring in.
The stories and adventures they bring to the table and then how I pay it all back with my time and emotions as if it’s a loan.
Oh, you know what else I have a loan on? The first guy.
The macho-most of them all. The one who keeps appearing and disappearing and reappearing from my life the most. The lord of toxic patterns. Mansplaining. Creator of cycles of love and distancing.
I just heard somewhere, the father is the first man we love. That’s right, love and then can never unlove. But what do we do when he needs to be impressed the most for little drops of love in return?
Ungrateful Daughters never bide. You don't know how much he loves you. He'll do anything for you. He'll protect you. He'll always want what's best for you. He'll always be there for you.
Be there? Where? Can you give me the postal address?
Ohh, you are too emotional. Ohh, you create a scene. Ohh, stop being so needy. Isha, did you hear these things from your boyfriends or your dad or did your mom repeat it to you in order to be a lovable and supportive wife to your dad?
Feel guilty for not giving sex. Feel guilty for wanting it. Feel guilty for checking out guys in front of your boyfriend. Feel guilty for being suspicious when he does it. Feel guilty for loving too much, feel guilty for doing it too less.
Want to believe someone likes you? No, you can’t. because he ll fuck you the next second.
Do you think, I don't know I have self-esteem issues? Do you think I don't know I deserve more?
This whole para is such a shitshow, i dont even want to read it al over again i wish no one reads it, and i dont know what the fuck do i do with my anger and ‘feelings’ and this whole typing rant. if he only he could just say, that he missed me, or home feels incomplete without me, or that i have done enough to impress him and now he just doesnt need more from me. i wish you just hugged me first while i left the country instead of me pushing it. i wished once in a while you said i looked beautiful rather telling me all the time what to wear and what not. i wish you just said that you are proud of me without any buts. i just wish u acknowledge my struggles instead of saying i am stubborn and always get my way. yes i do things my way but i wish you knew the amount of strength it took to be a rebel against you
i love you. i love you so damn much papa. i wish i could just stop finding love in every other guy's arms and eyes and just come home and see it in yours. and i miss you, every thing every little thing i do regardlless of whther it makes me happy or not is for your validation, every little win i want to tell you about it every big failure i want to hide it from you and you know what the worst part is you never fucking cared what actua;;y made me happy. i know you love me, i know you are strong probably the strongest man i know just if you could see that i am your daughter and i am strong too. i hate it. i hate impressing you i hate feeling like shit like i am not pretty or strong or successful enugh for you. just for a moment can we not talk about careers or if my decisions were correct or pretend that my wrong decisions didnt exist yes i have made mistakes and i want to tell them to you, please stop pretending that i never failed at anything. i did. and its okay. please make it okay. please just please be my dad and thats all. i miss baba alot and please fill his space for me. please.
